HOPEful girl

  Describe your day so far as it were the opening scene of a novel. Thoughts slowly fill my waking mind.  Another Monday.   I slowly rise out of bed then step out into a dark sleeping world.    My run is under a wet canopy of a drizzly humid morning.  The occasional trade winds offer a cool respite.  Back home for shower, breakfast and off to work to start my day at the clinic.  Lord, give me strength today.

  Write about a time you felt God's presence in a hard season. We moved to Hawaii for a change of scenery.  Well, for lots of reasons,  but it was certainly a difficult time for me and my family.   I was struggling with addiction and my marriage was at the brink of a divorce.   Moving to a new place to make a new home was hard enough without all that baggage, but looking back I believe God used it to heal me and grow our family.   He provided us with a welcoming church family with a strong youth group to establish a foundation for my boys.  In that church he provided me with a small group led by godly women, just the example I needed to show the love of Jesus.  God also brought Celebrate Recovery back with a local group.   God used the nature and beauty of the Hawaiian islands to show me a better life of sobriety was to be lived.   God brought the calming trade winds to remind me that He is with me, even now.    Every rainbow w...

  Write about a lesson life has taught you recently.  As a working mom of three boys, two in college and one teenager in high school I am learning the art of letting go.   I am learning the balance of being a support for them while allowing them to make their own mistakes.   I am learning that God already has a plan for them and that their journey has been set forth already for some time.   I am learning the blessing of what has been to be their parent for this short time and watching them grow into adults.   I am learning there is a season for all things and to pay attention to what role God has for me now. 

  Write a parable-short story with a lesson The parable of the wayward hiker.  There was a group of friends on a quest to see a magical waterfall.  In order to reach this waterfall and capture all the beauty, one had to go early in the morning on the phase of the moon that allowed its light to shine on the waterfall in a way  that made it iridescent and most beautiful.   The group would have to get as close as they could to the waterfall and camp overnight then continue the rest of their journey early in the morning.  They were given 3 sources of  light to help them  navigate the dark forest-  a flashlight, a lighter, and a glowstick.  One friend awoke in his tent before the rest of the party.  He took the opportunity start the hike on his own so he can be the first one there.  He carried his 3 sources of light with him.   After some time the flashlight ran out of batteries and the lighter stopped working. He only had the ...

  Write about a small act of kindness that made a big difference. I don't  remember exactly what this person did, but all I know is I was feeling so horrible before and encouraged and uplifted after and this good kind neighbor was there before the after.   We were new in the neighborhood.  I just had my second son and started residency and feeling the worst kind of post partum depression.   She had a small boy of her own. She invited me over.  Did we have coffee?  She shared kind words and showed me her collection of Joyce Meyers books.  'You listen to her too?"   Besides from my son's birth day parties, that was the only time I'd seen her.   It was just what I needed when I was in that cloud of sadness.   She offered a patch of blue sky of hope and the reminder that God is with me in this rough season.

  Write about a time you forgave someone or were forgiven.  Forgiveness is a very important step in recovery.  We call it making amends.  I remember reading about this in my Recovery bible that my mom had bought me and came across the verse in Matthew.  Something about removing the plank from one's eye.  I don't know exactly why I didn't go to my brother's wedding.  There were excuses I can go into, but I choose not to.  When I read that verse, I was convicted so I immediately apologized to him and his bride and he forgave me.   Forgiveness is a medicine used to treat broken relationships and that day our relationship was healed. 

  Write a letter to your younger self. Dear younger Janette,  You are striving for many things right now to be a good doctor, mom , wife.  You never feel capable or good enough.    Know that you are already a loved child of God.  Just look to Jesus and His grace will be enough.    Stop reaching for things to fulfill you, like praise from others or alcohol.   You don't need those temporary things and they can never give you true joy, only bringing you misery.  God will work it out for good.  Be kind to your self and to others. and just keep looking to Him.  love,  your older self Janette. 

  Write about something you're hoping for this year. My hope for this year was not much unlike my hope for last year and can be described in this quote from one of my favorite series and author.   'I want to see mountains again, Gandalf, mountains! and find a quiet place to finish my book'  Is it strange I want to be a Hobbit? just to escape the crowds, schedules and live simply for awhile. To do nothing but read, eat and yes, finally finish my book. I do hope I get this respite, but also to be inspired and encouraged by the conferences I have coming up this year-Christian Medical Dental Association conference in April,  Medical evangelism reunion in July, and the Women and Physicians and Dentists in Christ conference in September.  I hope to run our local  Pineapple 10 K run this year with my son, but what was it that Paul wrote to Timothy?   Physical training is good , but training for godliness is much better so I hope to grow and mature in Chr...

  Write about something you're unsure about right now.  My book is not finished yet.  I have an outline so there is some form, but I just need to be disciplined to work on it.  Once the manuscript is done, not sure where to go from there, self publish, hope books or present it to my friends publishing company?  I need to remind myself why I am writing it in the first place-for my own validation and glory? or for God.  I pray that someone else will be blessed and transformed by it. But I want it to be successful. However what does that success look like?  and how does it all fit into my day job.

  Write about something you're grateful for today. Today, I am grateful for social media, despite the fact that it's distracting at times and takes me away from more important things I should be doing, like writing.  For today, without social media, I would not have been able to meet up with my friend from  my high school cross country team.   She and her husband came to Hawaii for vacation and she being the runner participated in a half marathon on Oahu where I live.  As soon as I saw her post I looked up the race she would run in and immediately connected with her.   Then I thought , why should she have all the fun and signed up for the race too.  Although mine was the 5K.  She'd be running the half marathon. My friend was always the stellar runner.   It was such a blessing to meet up with her and her husband at the starting line, thirty plus year since we've last seen each other.   Her husband, who was also on our high school tea...

  Write about something you been avoiding thinking about. I wrote in my journal today.

  Write about something you're learning right now--even if you feel behind.  This is a skill I've been striving for since I started my career in medicine, so I feel like I'm always trying to improve on this.   That is the skill of incorporating my faith into my practice.   Recently I've came across a new tool to help me  with just that.  It is the book 'Healing Purpose' -finding satisfaction in a health care career, by Mark Topiazin.  This book offers some great methods that I am trying to incorporate in my own practice.   I feel like I'm becoming more proficient at taking a spiritual history, but would love to take it a step further and ask more meaningful questions to get a good assessment at where my patient is at spiritually.  Yesterday, I took some of the methods, questions and incorporated into my medical charting system so I can be ready with questions during these encounters. 

  Write about a time you felt in the dark and what helped you through.  I was stuck in the darkness of my addiction for so long.  It took a couple of low points, a husband who never gave up on me, a move to another state,  a christian based 12 step program (celebrate recovery) to help me through into the light.  God used all of this in His grace and mercy to save me.  He also saved me from a couple of close calls from the consequences of my behaviors.  It could have been worse.  But I don't have to live in the dark anymore and  love to help others who are stuck in the darkness.  I was like  Max in Stranger Things when she was under Vecna's spell in the upside down and she could see the way out in the distance.  That was me sometimes slowly walking to the light, but in the end running toward that light as I can hear the music of God's voice of truth and encouragement. 

  Write about a time you did something afraid.  There is no turning back now.  My dearest loved ones were counting on me.   I've come so far, but I am not ready even though I've known this has been a long time coming.  It is now here-residency.  The time hardest stage in training to become a doctor.   The fear of not being enough heavy upon me driven by my struggles to pass the boards, rotations, not to mention leaving my young family behind.    I'm not good enough.  Do I really know what I'm doing? The fear of responsibility over these human souls is great and looming over me as I start my first day. Lord, just let me not kill anyone today I handed my newborn second son over to my husband who has been my constant support and will continue to be in these hard upcoming years.  I completed my first day. As I get to hold my baby boy again, I try to calculate in my head- How many more days do  I have left? 

  Write about a quiet moment you'll never forget.  I was thirteen years old sitting on the beach watching the sunset.  The same beach I wrote about yesterday.  It is the first memory I have of sitting in nature in God's presence.   I didn't have a relationship with Jesus then, but I could definitely feel him talking to me.  There was a sense of peace but also a warning that a lot of  changes were coming soon.    I always struggled with growing up to fast and  facing responsibilities that would later on be evident in my addiction struggle.  I wanted to hold on to this moment, stay here and never leave, in this moment in my favorite childhood memory place.  Looking back, I think God was teaching me that even though life brings changes and times will never be the same, He will always be there to sit still and quiet with Him.  He kept His promise and still does today.  Lord you never change. Thank you Jesus that I ca...

  Write about your favorite childhood place. (focus on the detail-the smell, the light, the feeling. ..) The excitement immediately over takes me as my sister wakes me up and our family piles in the car and drives off in the dark up the coast to our family vacation spot, Pismo Beach. However, I will soon fall asleep only to be awaken in the morning light by the sweet aroma of baked breakfast goodies at our first stop in Solvang on the way there.  It is here where we indulge in their famous Danish pastry, abelskievers, enjoy the toy shops around town before we continue to our destination.  There is a line of cars on the way into the Pismo Beach coast village, an RV park where our residence will be for the next week or so. The foggy air is a blend of sea salt and pit fires welcoming me to a fun filled time of swimming,  hay rides with my cousins, roasted marshmallows, sun set walks on the beach, pizza parlor down town, bubble gum flavored ice cream on the way back...

  Write about a time you prayed and received an answer -big or small. There are many times I've had answered prayers, thanks be to God.  I can't help but think of my most specific prayer and it has to be probably the most important and life changing.  I prayed to God to take away my desire for alcohol way.  plain and simple. The roots of addiction are so deep and the triggers multifactorial.  My life had become unmanageable as a result of  my addictive behaviors.  The road to recovery is life long as we always say in our group.  We will never be fully healed, recovered or fixed.   So that prayer may seem pretty basic and God did not answer it as if my alcoholism was a light switch that can be just be turned off.  I wasn't expecting something instantaneous  like those people you see get healed in those ministries as they are called to the altar.  And I am by no means, diminishing those answered prayers. God can heal in any way ,...

  The morning has me up before the dawn and my alarm goes off since I've been doing this for years now.  I throw on my work out clothes, put away the dishes and step out into a world that's still asleep. My run is under the stars and I take care that vine is just a shadow and my feet are planted sure not to trip over a crack in the side walk.  The sight of other runners, walkers out at this hour brings me comfort and I'm sure to say good morning as I pass by.  Back home for shower, then light breakfast in the company of my youngest teen son.  We share witty jokes to lighten our morning drudge.  His five year old self flashes back at me as he watches his favorite show, Gumball.  Dad will take him to school so I'm off to work.  The drive down H2 is my favorite part of the morning as the sun comes up on my left,  the Koolau mountains to my right and the Pacific ocean straight ahead.   I park  and say a quick prayer  for the souls ...

  A day I wish I can relive and why.  A day that comes to mind is October 18, 2015.  This is the day I ran the Women's Nike half marathon in San Francisco.  Why would I want to relive a day I ran an arduous 13.1 miles through the streets of San Francisco resulting in a severe cramp after crossing the finish line?  Well, not for the accomplishment, the beautiful views of running past the golden gate, not because I wish I can go back to a younger more capable body,  and not for receiving a Tiffany's necklace for a medal by one of San Francisco's finest handsome fire fighters.  It was for the company.   My mom and my sister came out to support me and cheer me on.   It would be the last time we were all together on this girl's trip before my mom's cancer would come back again and these trips were replaced with hospitalizations and doctor's visits.   Sitting across the table of from my sister and mom laughing and catching up over  a deli...

  Write about a person who changed my perspective.  I was not comfortable having a lesbian couple  in our recovery group. This was a Christian recovery program where we should feel safe. The thing is we all have struggles, and we all need Jesus.  That does not exclude anyone.  What was amazing was, as the weeks went by, I can see the change in these two women as God was working on their hearts.   We all were being transformed by Christ through our recovery group because it was a safe place where Jesus was.  God was working on their hearts and He can change anyone.   What a shame it would have been if these woman were excluded from this group.

  Describe your first memory of writing something and how it made you feel.  I was in the eighth grade and we were given the assignment to write an essay on why physical exercise is important.  The best ones would get to participate in a speech contest. I was picked and I won second place in the speech contest.  It wasn't my Janet Jackson routine I performed in the sixth grade and I"m sure most of the school was half asleep when I delivered my speech, but I felt proud and accomplished.  I was no longer the wall flower that sat on the side lines at soft ball games.  I had something to say!

  A time I felt provided for... My mom would come stay with me the week after I had my babies, helping to get settled in with this new addition to our family.  She'd cook meals, do laundry and most importantly provided motherly counsel and encouragement.   I had 3 c sections since my first baby was a breech nine pounder.   I was carrying a whale.  Then years later, one night sent me to the hospital with appendicitis.  Somewhere between that and my next hospitalization a few weeks later, my intestines did a loop de loop and caused a small bowel obstruction.  The worse pain I've felt.  I saw Jesus in the reflection of the hospital bed rails.   Then a few moments later, my good friend was at my side before my husband could get there.   Weeks after friends poured their love with a meal train.  Flowers, cards poured in.  God used this wonderful church community to provide for me when I was sick.  

  A time someone encouraged me when I needed it the most I'm struggling to think of one exact moment.  There are different times when I get encouraged in life like when my kids say thank you after dinner after I've had an exhausting day.   When a patient tells me thank you for supporting their health care.   When I receive words of wisdom from the pastor on a Sunday morning.   These are the gifts that encourage me to keep going and be the mom, healer, child of God he has called me to be.  Now I remember one moment.  I was a medical student at King Drew hospital starting a new rotation feeling nervous, and uncertain as I would be most of my medical training.   Always under constant scrutiny to please my professors and attendings.   When I stepped into an administrators office, my head turned down to a scripture card on the desk.  It read 'Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, -Colossians 3: 23.  reminding m...

  It was the last summer break of my life -the year between my first and second year of medical school.   I had to decide how I was going to spend it.  There were two paths  in front of me.   I could spend it earning money doing research. This would leave me all alone in the  city to  my self to make bad choices at night.   The other path took me to  medical evangelism training conference at the university of Redlands.   This conference would put me with other Christian healers in training,  med students and nurses to prepare us how to integrate our faith in medicine and bring people to Christ.   After listening to a moving sermon on New Year’s Sunday on Jeremiah 29:11, I decided to take the latter.    This shaped my career as a physician.   I was no longer a doctor who happened to be a Christian.   I was a Christian who happened to be a doctor.  My identity was in Christ first, His child placed in this...

  Something that brings a smile to my face is watching my kids grow into the young adults they are becoming.  It is bitter sweet I know, as I reminisce the days when they were young and clingy.  We now let go, step back and watch God move in them to  grow into the  person they are meant to be.  

      This New Year's morning had me up before the dawn.  No different than any other morning.  I must have been excited to try out my new running shoes after resting for some time.    It's time to get up and run, but the ache behind my knee told me otherwise.  My mind shoved this ache aside and the spirit pushed on in a slow rise from my bed. Lots of plans for this year, for travel, career and spiritual development and as always to get further along on that book.    New year, new goals.  It's still me.   Like a treasure chest, I open the box.    The  new shoes stare back at me with a promise of a new year.  I step out into the morning.  Let us begin again.