Looking back

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Let us go right into the presence of God with sincere hearts fully trusting him. For our guilty consciences have been sprinkled with Christ’s blood to make us clean, and our bodies have been washed with pure water.   -Hebrews 10:22


My right leg continues to give me problems so I did not run the full Honolulu marathon this year.   Rather,  I ran the first 6.2  of that 26.2 mile run in the ‘start to park’ 10K race.  This enabled me to finish early and go cheer on some of the other runners as I walked up ahead along the course route around the south side of diamond head.  In doing this, I was rewarded with a  spectacular view of the sun rising over the Pacific Ocean (see pic above).  I even got to see the elite runners up close as they were coming up just over a mile before the finish line.   As I watched the first place runner, I noticed he kept looking back.   Anyone who is a runner knows, you are not supposed to look back as this disrupts your form, slows you down and obviously keeps you from seeing what is in front of you.  So why was this elite runner who was clearly well ahead of the runner that was behind him looking back?   With only a mile to go, victory surely was his.  I wondered, did he have doubts even as the finish line was in view? Was a bee chasing him? Or was he glancing back at the beautiful sunrise trying to take it in as I enjoyed? 

As we near the end of the year AND decade, I can not help  but reflect on what the past ten years has brought me. Along with the defeats, came some victories.   At the beginning of the decade, I just graduated from residency, complete with my medical training.  I was so glad to be done with the exams and books and ready to begin my career.   The years that followed would bring me much more learning in the experience of life and with it, heartache, obstacles  and many lessons learned.  Within the past decade, I moved with my family to another state across the Pacific Ocean leaving a family and home I grew up in far behind.   I also left behind many mistakes, hang-ups and addictions.   My best moment, of course was when I finally surrendered my alcoholism, my life over to the will of God.  Through it all, God was always there, seeking me, pulling me out and blessing me with more than I can imagine.  Today, I am almost 5 years sober, have a home in Hawaii, church family, stable job and husband that loves me.  And  I started this blog!  My 3 boys are growing up to be little men way too fast.   

I still struggle with some character flaws—worry, anxiety , stress.   With work, I struggle with burn out, but recently  I was reminded why I went into  the field of medicine in the first place.  That is, not to only help people through their illness but also to live well through preventative care.  I was reminded of my inspiration for primary care through integrative medicine.   There are some opportunities on the horizon in 2020 for conferences that I believe will pull me out of this career funk.  

Looking back at your past can be detrimental,  if it is filled with regret, guilt, and worry.  This only slows you down and keeps you from looking ahead.   Sure, I’ve made mistakes, but I look back on the past with conviction and celebration for the times God has pulled me out.   Sure, times can be stressful, but I look forward to the future with hope and faith that God will carry me through it all again.   I do not know what the future holds.  But I rely on a faithful God.  

Do not look back to your mistakes or past that you have already left far behind.  
Instead, I challenge you to change your perspective from looking back and look forward to the victory that lies ahead.   Pause and reflect how good God has been to you this past year or past ten years.  Take a look at all the good things He has done in spite of all the hardship.
You are your creator’s precious elite, and He will carry you to that finish line. 

Whatever the past, or whatever this year brought you, let us go right into the presence of God with sincere hearts, fully trusting him! 

 Happy New Year! 

-Hopeful girl, sober for 4 years, 5 months, 18 days
hopeful for a decade more.  

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