Letting go

 

I can’t believe its been over 6 months since my mom’s passing.  Sometimes it just feels like she’s on another one of her extended hospital stays, the one where she’s really sick and I have no way of reaching her. There are some mornings when I wake up in a state of panic, worry like I forgot something or something is missing. Then I remember I’m living in a world without my mom. I call out to God and that anxiety fades away as I go about my busy day. I’ll be fine until I see one of my patients that remind me of her or when someone talks about their mom.   Actually, I feel like I’ve been slowly saying good bye ever since she was first diagnosed with lymphoma.  I was in my 2nd or was it 3rd year of residency?  Questioning my attending if the finding of ‘lymphadenopathy on an Abdominal CT scan was a good or bad thing’.  Its a bad thing.   With treatment, my mom would survive that Hodgkins lymphoma only to be left living with the side effects of the chemo and radiation, neuropathy, anemia, chronic back pain and many years later to be diagnosed AGAIN with a different lymphoma.   By this time, I already moved to Hawaii.   Another time, I was preparing to say good bye, maybe.   I recall a time earlier when she survived colon cancer. I was just about to start high school.  That summer I was able to spend time with my grandmother as she came over and helped out as my mom recovered from surgery.  Then later when my mom got her strength, she was able to take me to summer training cross country practices at Shabarum park, since she was on sick leave anyway.  Growing up with 2 parents that worked full time, it was nice to have her around for this short time.   But that appreciation would be short lived as I entered my teen years and wanted nothing to do with my overbearing mom.  Looking back and as a mom now myself, I realize I gave her so much grief and worry with all my rebellious antics. 

Then there was my struggle with drugs, then I would elope, sending my mom into a deep depression, then off to start my own career and family.  Don’t get me wrong, my mom and I long since made amends and shared many joyous moments of reconciliation and getting to know one another again.  I just wish I had more of those moments. 

When does a child  start saying good bye to their sick parent? 

When does a parent start saying good bye to their child? And letting go? 

My oldest son, Andrew who just finished his first year in college has accepted a call to do missionary work overseas for a year.  This is something that has been on his heart for some time. I only didn’t expect it so soon.  God is definitely using him in great ways.  I couldn’t be more proud and terrified. 

My younger sons just finished their school years.  Micah had some struggles starting in a new school and post Covid, but thank God for supportive teachers, and after many nights of prayers, he graduated the fifth grade.  Nathan had struggles with geometry, but thank God for supportive teachers, and after some all nighters, after school sessions and many nights of prayers, he graduated 10th grade. 

And so life goes on, and I sometimes feel like time is getting away from me. When I run, I’m chasing after time, and when it seems like I’ve just about caught up, it always manages to run right past me.  

'But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth.'  -Acts 1:8

Good-byes and letting go are not easy.   The disciples only had so much time with Jesus and when he spoke those words in the verse above  to him, He was saying his good bye. This would mark the beginning of a new season for them that wasn’t going to be easy. However, this wasn’t the end and there were good things still in store for them.  Like the disciples, we often approach our endings and impending changes with fear, anxiety and calls out to God for what he can do for us.  God is certainly gracious and answers our prayers in those times of need,  fear and grief.   Then God redirects us to his mission through his Word and that verse above.   God has a plan and we still have a purpose.  Yes, among the grief and time running past us, we still have a purpose to share and be a testimony of Christ.  Thankfully, he did not leave us without on our own to figure out how to do that.  He left those who trust in Christ with the life giving power of the Holy Spirit. 

Whether we are going around the world like my son,  or just across the street or into work, God has given us His Holy Spirit to do what only He can do.  I will call on Jesus daily to help me rely on His Spirit to share what He has done in my life, carry out His plan and live out his commission each day.