Don't doubt, shout!

Five years ago, we moved from California to our new home here in Hawaii.  One of the attractions of living here was a slower pace of life.  One of the challenges, though was  being away from our extended family.  I think this is why we’ve adapted to this home isolation/quarantine life pretty well.  It's as if our life has slowed down just a bit more.  

The Brunken theater movie marathons continues.  I love how movies can take us anywhere and anything can happen.  So we accomplished our mission of watching all six of the Mission Impossible movies (and trying to forget about that 2nd one).  Our minds were freed watching the Matrix series. We had some close encounters with the Men In Black,  had some fun with the Lego movies.  We just finished time traveling in Back to the Future parts 1-3.  All of these movies not only have their heroes, but their unlikely heroes as well.  I wonder where we will travel to next? I’m getting clues it might be middle earth. 

I get to work from home still.  I appreciate all the kind words, checking in and thank-you to me as a doctor working selflessly during this covid pandemic.  I was even brought chocolate cake to my front door with a thank you note.  Not unlike Neo in Matrix when he was brought gifts from the citizens of Zion.  Honestly, I  have a hard time receiving this because I kind of feel like a phony, not worthy. I don’t feel like the hero that the world is raising us medical workers to be, since I’m not actually, on the ‘front lines’, ‘risking my life’.  I’m ‘only’ a primary care physician trying to take care of my patient panel because there’s plenty of medical needs besides corona virus, but many people don’t see that.  It isn’t glamorous work. Instead, I’m only on call in case I’m needed to work in the hospital.   They want to keep us, primary care physicians healthy in case that surge or second wave comes in.   I don’t know what’s worse, actually working in the front line right now  or living in anticipation  questioning if I’m going to be called or not.  Of course,  I now know the answer to that question.   A few weeks ago, that wasn’t the case.  I was really struggling with this and  kept going over the what- if scenarios in my head. And we all know where that leads, more worrying , anxiety and sleepless nights. Then it was revealed to me , after reading that Bible passage above,  that when I worry or stress, I am doubting in God’s ability to handle my problems.  I am doubting that God can use me, equip me for his will.  That’s where  the faith comes in. 

When that worry comes in,  I had to turn my doubt around back to my faith in God.  I had to stop that doubt and shout! Not literally, but in my head and shout my prayer , concerns and praise to God. 

Thankfully here in our state of Hawaii, the numbers (new corona cases) are slowing down, and we still have a ways to go.  However, I’m not going to take comfort in the statistics.    I’m not going to take comfort in my own understanding or reasoning. 

I will take comfort and place all my hope in God that He is fully in control. Because, anything can happen.   You might be worrying in those what if scenarios, ruminating thoughts that keep you up at night, but instead of going back to those thoughts, say, stop it! Shout it in your head. Heck, shout it out loud if you have to.  Picture  yourself grabbing that thought and tossing it away, then turn back to God’s Word to supply you with the truth.  It’s our source of hope. Look for ways to be grateful.  Keep a grateful journal. Start making the choice daily from the very beginning  when you wake up in the morning to not have a bad day and shout, ‘I’m not going to live in fear!’

I had a telephone appointment with one of my patients who happens to be a front line health worker.  As we were closing out the visit,  I couldn’t help but give a sincere heart felt thank you.  ‘Thank you for taking care of them. Thank you for risking your life and sacrificing so I can work from home and be safe with my family’.  She replied ‘ No, Thank you for taking care of us.’  I had to fight back the tears, because it was then I realized God was using me in a way that only He knows how.   Maybe I’m not the ‘hero’ in the world view, but I’m still making a difference.  We all have our part to play in this movie. 

So if anybody reading this is feeling 'non essential' because of all the changes this pandemic brought,  please know you still have a place in this world  to make a difference. Do not doubt in God’s ability to handle all of your concerns.  Do not doubt in God's ability to use you. Maybe, just maybe, even you can move mountains.

Thank you for letting me share. 

-Sober for 4 years, 9 months, 20 days, 20 hours

Hopeful for another day more