The Voice

I mentioned in an earlier entry that my oldest son had some recent struggles with mental health.  Well with his permission, I’m going to share a little of his story and what he’s been going through.   A few months ago, he started to have what I can only describe as these  spontaneous involuntary movement episodes.   Out of the blue,  and for what seemed like no reason at all, his body would suddenly go into jerk like movements, almost seizure like for a few moments.   The first severe episode of this sort was witnessed by my parents while my husband and I were away on another island for  vacation.  They were walking around the mall, when they witnessed his body going into a sudden convulsion, falling back to the floor in a seizure like episode lasting a few seconds but may have seemed longer.  As you can imagine, this was very scary to his grandparents and his brothers who were there to witness it, let alone my husband and I who weren’t even there. 

I would bring him to the doctor’s appointments  to further evaluate.   After these initial evaluations, including a neurology assessment, brain MRI, and Brain EEG, seizure disorder was eventually ruled out.   The next step as you might guess was to follow up with behavioral health provider.  With more investigation we would come to learn,  he was hearing voices or what his psychiatrist termed ‘intrusive thoughts’.  Voices telling him to hurt those around him.  As you can imagine this was very scary for him and for me as a parent.

I know he had struggled with depression before. 

I also know he has a very strong passion and relationship with his creator and savior Jesus Christ and he’s not ashamed to share that with those around him.   He talks to Jesus aloud as if he was talking to his best friend on the phone.    His family and I often hear these rambles coming from his bedroom or bathroom.  While some would think this strange, this is just a normal part of his expression and daily life that we, his family come to accept.  His dad and I think nothing of it, never concerned, just laugh it off as him just being who he is.    However, we were now into new territory,  never, would we think these voices  to be threatening or malicious.   I’ve been taking him to see the psychiatrist for past 3 months now and thankfully he has not had any more of the seizure like episodes, nor has  he had any intrusive thoughts,  however, he does on occasion hear voices or gets ‘messages’ he believes to be from God.  He shares this with the psychiatrist.   I sit there and hear the psychiatrist filter through these different thoughts or voices trying to determine with him between what is a harmless or what he  believes in his heart to be a  message from God and from what can be a threatening delusion that  can potentially interfere with his life or those around him.  There seems to be  two sides to the spectrum.   As a  both a Christian believer and health care provider, I realize this.   I believe that God can speak to anyone in any way He chooses.  Also, being a health care provider myself know that on the other end there can be  these delusions that are associated with  paranoid conditions  that are often termed ‘hyper religiosity’.     This term refers to a psychiatric disturbance in which a person experiences intense religious beliefs that interfere with normal functioning. This may occur in disorders such as epilepsy or schizophrenia for example.    I’ve come to find myself  experiencing with my son this shady territory.  Here I sit in the psychiatrist office with my son next to me,   stuck between three worlds:  

-my faith based world,  'who is this psychiatrist to say, my son is crazy? He is just getting his personal message from God',   

-my medical education background of mental health disorders world 'what if my son really is crazy?'  and 

-my parent world, mother of a loving  son struggling with these feelings and thoughts ‘I just want to do what’s best for him’.

This whole experience has led me to reflect on God’s voice and what does that look like or  what does it exactly sound like?  Is it a clear audible booming voice like people heard in the Bible?  Do believers today still hear in the form of voice and if they do, who’s to say its not some hyper religious delusion. 

I believe God’s voice to come in many forms: his word, nature, people, circumstances, dreams, visions, ‘the inner witness or knowing in our hearts, -he speaks in still small voice

Through our conscience, our desires, and yes some times audible voice. 

How can we hear God’s voice? Wouldn’t it be nice to become more receptive to Him and just hear his voice as clear as day?  One might say, we only need to listen. 

In his whispers to me this month, I’ve come to learn we only need to BE. 

Be thankful -giving thanks and praise for not only what God has done for me but who He is puts us in a place to be ready and willing to listen. 

Be open -  be ready to hear from him, even if it’s something that you may not want to hear. Recently, I’ve had to slow down my running due to an injury.  I think my scoliosis has finally got the best of me not only leaving me lopsided but with a bum right leg. I can’t run for more than a mile now without pain.  In this case, I did hear a voice that said I would need to take a break from running for at least a year.   I did not want to hear that.  Stay tuned to see how obedient I will be to that. 

Be honest -talk to him like He’s your friend, because He is!  Even out loud!  Just be considerate of your surroundings. 

Be focused - there are lots of distractions in this world with different voices telling us what to do.  Just as God’s voice comes in many forms, those come in different forms as well- media, people, maybe even something under the disguise of a religion.  It’s hard to know which voice to follow sometimes.  As long as we stay focused on what Jesus has for us,  we can receive His discernment on which voice to follow.    This may involve staying focused on the Word and looking to others for spiritual counsel. 

Be still -this requires patience and may take practice.   You may have to stop what you’re doing to just be still, and listen. 

What has God told me this month?  When I see my son speaking with and praying for others in the waiting room at his psychiatric appointment, I know God tells me that He works all things for His good.    When I get an unexpected visit from a friend at Starbucks who hands me over her phone to have her other friend  on the other end of of the line whom I never met start  praying  for me, He tells me to cast my anxieties to Him because He cares for me so much. 

And when I have a son that struggles with a mental health problem, something that I’ve had experienced myself, I hear God say,  the voices may shake and rattle me to confusion , and to point of falling back but He is always there to catch me, watching over me.  

Thank you for letting me share. 

-Hopeful girl, Janette 

Sober for 3 years, 8 months, 8 days and 9 hours.